I was a Coronavirus skeptic at first.  I complained – a lot.  I called into a favorite radio show to talk about loss of work from it.  Like almost everyone else, I was in shock this was happening.  I just couldn’t believe it, and didn’t want to.  And, my initial reaction was – this is just another Groupthink, social-media age panic.  Governmental overreach par excellence.

Boy was I wrong.

The moment I realized it was a profoundly serious matter – and not something that we, as Americans, would skirt past in the usual ways while the rest of the world dealt with it – was when the NBA announced the season was being cancelled.  This was just before the state of California, where I live, issued its stay-at-home order, with other states to quickly follow.

I was outraged.  And, I was being selfish.  And naive.  I’m used to bucking trends and enjoying some sense of going-my-own-way in life, but it was immediately apparent there would be no real option in this case.  We were – and still are – being ravaged by something we are not really in control of.  And we’re doing the best we can with it.  We can debate aspects of the Government’s response, sure.  But there’s a more important lesson – we are all in this ‘life’ thing together; as it occurs macroscopically, and microscopically, too.

I went through the stages of death with my relationship to the unfolding situation.  At first disbelief.  I really did think it was just the Flu, maybe not even as bad.  Then I was angry.  I’m a musician for a living, and we lost all of our work, with no real clarity yet in sight.  Then bargaining – I thought, well, surely since we took this severe response, it will just be a few weeks, then we’ll all get back to work and it will be fine.  As it became apparent it would be not only longer – but less certain in terms of the aftermath and what our lives will look like – depression. And finally – after I realized there was really nothing I could do about this – acceptance.

And then a funny thing has happened.

After the acceptance, I realized two things keenly, and many others a bit more hazily.  The first was – I am amazed at my own natural selfishness.  I want to see it clearly so I can have a better grasp on it and how to live differently.  And the 2nd?  Wow, do I ever have free time now to work on things that matter more to me.

So this post is written with some hesitation, because I am only in the middle (at best) of some projects that were in my head, but difficult to pull off while working a lot, and dealing with some minor/chronic health concerns that don’t always leave me feeling well enough to get “non-essential” (pun intended) stuff done.

But, I have had these days and weeks to positively assess my life, what matters to me as an artist, and feel like it’s on sure footing again, somehow.  I am putting the finishing touches on a solo album; working on video content, this blog and others, and concepts of what value I feel I can offer as an artist.

I re-prioritized.  Maybe in the vacuum, that’s all that was left.  The working world (even with an unusual job) consumed me, even as I put forth my best attempts at a creative life.  Over the years I floated between priorities, some failed relationships, and the consolation prize that at least I was making money, and some financial goals would be achievable soon.

The virus brought it front and center to me how wrong this path was, finally.  I think I knew it.  But the time off has been an ocean of clarity, an inescapable sense of what was wrong.  I’m a creative person.  I’ve had one of the craziest lives ever.  That’s where my heart is; the financial goals can wait.  They’re really not that important compared to finding my joy in artistic expression, and relationship to others.

None of these realizations, or the projects I’m now finally seeing through to fruition, seemed imminently possible prior to the time off I suddenly have had thanks to the pandemic.

Thanks to the pandemic.  There’s the irony I am always going to have to live with, and somewhat poignantly as I keep in the rearview mirror my own selfish resistance to the measures that were put in place.  People are dying.  The existentialist in me replies, well, sure – people are always dying.  And one day, my time will come too.

But it misses the point- people are quite randomly suffering and dying in this case, losing to this goddamned virus – one that as a society, we either didn’t fully see coming or we chose to not take seriously enough to prepare for.

The time off to get clarity on my life, self, and direction has been indispensable; I just hate that it came at this cost.

But maybe there’s a lesson here too – with the things you can’t control in life, you can at least look for what opportunities there might be, hidden at first though they are.